Smuntz Wood is a real business producing furniture and other handcrafted items. We feel
passionate about our products and enjoy making them. We take care to satisfy our
customers. However, after many years in oh-so-serious land and much study and thought
we have determined that happiness is an essential part of the Smuntz Wood way of life.
For these reasons I am proud to announce that I have no interest in being promoted from
my position of worker, and that I am directly responsible to my customers. The lemur in
charge of the business is a fine manager. He is very strict and the salary that I earn is
directly related to how much I satisfy my customers. At review times he is totally unbiased
and impartial, giving good career advice, lending a sympathetic ear, offering always to
meet me half way, agreeing a written record of my progress, and projecting a bright
future for me, if he turns up.
If I ask a customer whether they would sell what I have made for them, they answer that
they will keep it always. One lady told me that it was the most beautiful thing that she
owned. (Her dog gave her a rather pained look).
. The company staff.
Red Lemur (Owner)
Ludwig and Wilhelmina Van Der Groot (Accountants)
Augustus Fosbright-Smythe (Personnel Manager)
. The company restroom.
. A documentary of a typical sale, which was a house sign for 'The Old Pink House'
Red rapidly built the company into a substantial endeavour by pressing forward with
his strong recruitment plan, which he based on the farmer's method used in the
film - 'Seven Samurai.'
He is an accomplished ballroom dancer and vegetarian, although rarely at the same
time.
.....
Ludwig and Wilhelmina Van Der Groot (Accountants)
(Declined to be photographed, on medical grounds).
Ludwig and Wilhelmina came to the company via a rigorous selection procedure. They
were discovered camping in the company vehicle, with a display card reading, ‘our
home, keep out’, in blue crayon. They were in possession of a tin of sardines and half
a packet of digestive biscuits. Items frequently to be found in the company larder,
usually reserved for special occasions.
On entering the offices of Smuntz Wood, Ludwig immediately presented the glowing
references supplied by his previous employers. These seem to have been based in
the Netherlands, and were mainly in the share certificate printing business. The
references were all carefully handwritten, and upon examination it became obvious
that Ludwig had written them himself. We took his explanation, which was that his
employers had sore paws from working hard, very seriously.
Ludwig spoke English very well. It was difficult to get him to explain about the court
case that had occurred before he and his wife came to Somerset. When we had the
extremely brief record of his prosecution translated, it seemed that Ludwig’s own
opinion of the outcome as he expressed it, ‘not guilty’, differed from the official version
which was, ‘did not turn up’. We were therefore reassured when Wilhelmina produced
a newspaper clipping entitled, ‘Van Der Groot – freed on technicality.’
They were ideal for employment at Smuntz Wood. Our previous accountant, Mr Burke,
was discovered to be thought to be dead in January, and pronounced actually
deceased in March, on the absence of any movement.
Ludwig and Wilhelmina were far more active.
At first, Ludwig had difficulty understanding the concept of zero-based budgeting.
Our salesmen managed to retrieve almost all of the company products and machinery
that he had given to our customers. Perhaps ‘given’ is the wrong word, and perhaps
Ludwig was more confused than we realised, because some of the customers demanded
that their money be returned at once. Needless to say we corrected the Van Der Groot’s
financial knowledge at the next company meeting, speaking to Ludwig via Wilhelmina,
who was present. She explained that he would have attended, but was suffering from
an attack of coldness of the feet. She herself had forgotten to brush her teeth before
the meeting and held one paw in front of her mouth frequently when asked to speak. At
these times her little body was convulsed and shaking, perhaps from exhaustion.
Ludwig and Wilhelmina are at this time studying hard in Barbados, at the ‘Academy of
Great Accountants' on Pleasant Beach. Apparently it will be easy to contact him there
should the need arise. They had to depart quite suddenly in the night, obviously due to
the time of the flight. We retrieved the company vehicle from the airport pound, after
refuelling it and paying the correct parking fee. The tool kit, radio, tax disc, battery and
bulbs were missing.
Since then our contact has been in the form of postcards from Ludwig, at infrequent
intervals, and letters from credit card companies. On his return we feel sure that he will
be able to explain why the company photocopier was jammed with hundreds of copies
of a share certificate in the name of 'Smuntz Wood’, signed ‘N Burke’, and dated the day
before their flight.
A timber merchant in Barbados also sent us one picture of Ludwig that appeared in the
local newspapers. Ludwig looked rather tanned. It seemed that he had experienced
difficulties when explaining some ‘zero-based meal bills’ concept to the restaurant owner.
Curiously, during the angry debate, the heavy till disappeared. The merchant apologised
for contacting us, and explained that Wilhelmina had borrowed one of his trolleys and had
not returned it. Instead, she thrust a handful of kitchen towels into his paw and shouted in
his ear above the noise of the machinery, ‘to the victor the spoils! You know nothing!’
while tapping the side of her nose with one finger. The merchant concluded by saying that
he had not heard of Smuntz Wood’s stock market flotation, congratulated us, and hoped
for a good return on his investment. This would be in addition to our repayment of the cost
of the trolley.
There is little doubt that we can expect great things of Ludwig and Wilhelmina.
.....
Augustus Fosbright-Smythe (Personnel Manager)
Introduction to Augustus.
Augustus went out for a pint of beer on Tuesday. On Wednesday morning he was sitting
on the edge of the swimming pool with no memory of how he got there. Obviously therefore
it was time to go home.
"What are you doing?" asked the pool attendant. As the pool was closed this was was a
reasonable question. In front of Augustus a line of empty beer bottles stretched out across
the water.
"Waiting for the bus," Augustus replied hoarsely.
"Well it is out on the road, it seldom comes in here," the attendant told him, being a devout
Marx Brothers fan. He frowned at the bobbing line of empties.
"Never seen them before," Augustus muttered, struggling to his feet. An identical bottle fell
from his pocket to the tiled floor and shattered with a crash.
"What on earth!" yelled the attendant.
"It is a waste," Augustus agreed as he left. Outside he rested his head on the cold metal of
the bus stop sign. Some time passed and it began to rain.
The bus slid to a halt and the door hissed open.
"Where to, mate?"
"Home," Augustus replied, "Would you like me to spell it?"
The driver looked at him then unwrapped and popped in some chewing gum.
"Stand still there a minute, mate," he asked, shut the door, shoved the bus into gear and
drove away. More time passed and I arrived, driving the Smuntz Wood company vehicle. We
are trying to avoid calling it a white van.
"<BEEP> bus driver abandoned me," Augustus said while doing up his seatbelt. His blue fur
was bedraggled and he stank of beer. Someone had written 'idiot' on the back of his head
with a felt pen.
"No bus?" I asked.
"<BEEP> <BEEP> drove off without me."
"Couldn't you have talked him into taking you?"
"Maybe if I could have got closer," Augustus flexed his paws. "I am usually great with people."
"Where I work, at Smuntz Wood, we have a vacancy for a personnel manager."
"That's me! I'm a personnel manager!"
"Are you sure?" I asked, taking my eyes off the road to look at him. Augustus smiled, showing
yellow fangs. He leant across.
"You calling me a liar, sonny?" he rasped. The smell of beer, smoke and chips was choking me.
"Perhaps you should come for an interview with the owner of the company, Red Lemur?" I suggested.
Interview with a teddy.
Red Lemur: Welcome to the company, Mister Fosbright-Smythe.
Augustus: <Belch> Glad to be here.
Red Lemur: Before we start, may I say that the usual method of purchasing chocolate from the
vending machine is to put coins into it and then press the buttons. You levered it
open with a screwdriver and then ate
everything in it.
Augustus: So?
Red Lemur: Perhaps you could remember it? Put coins in, take chocolate out.
Augustus: I had no coins, what was I supposed to do?
Red Lemur: Moving on. I see from your cv that you had a hit record?
Augustus: I see that you can read then.
Good. It was called 'Bad to the Stuffing'. It was great.
They paid me...errm...with coins. Which I put in vending machines.
Red Lemur: If I offer to you the sought after position of
personnel manager at Smuntz
Wood will you expect a motor vehicle to be provided to you?
Augustus: I am not selling my chop
if that is what you mean. And if I did it wouldn't be
to a skinny monkey like you.
Red Lemur: Lemur. I am not a monkey, I am a lemur.
Augustus: Well I am a bear, and I ride a Harley.
Red Lemur: A motorcycle?
Augustus: Yes. It has the same
number of wheels as those Japanese things, but as you
say, it is my sickle.
Red Lemur: But is it a reliable means of transport?
Augustus: <snigger> Never fails with the lady bears, my man!
Red Lemur: Perhaps at Smuntz Wood we can improve on it?
Augustus: Well I did snag a
traffic warden with a footpeg, and the hardtail is a pig on
these bumpy roads but I still love it. If this company is about to spring me
some cash for some eight overs and an oil change then I am in Heaven.
Red Lemur: As personnel manager we will rely on you
to motivate our workers. How will
you achieve that?
Augustus: As long as your worker is the pasty,
mumbling blighter I met in your equally
decrepit van I don't see any problem with it. He can either work until he drops
or I will give him a paw sandwich, without him putting any coins in even.
Red Lemur: It will be necessary for you to be diplomatic sometimes.
Augustus: Don't know what you mean. I am a bear, not a <BLEEP> dinosaur.
Red Lemur: It means that you must take the time needed to explain
patiently to the
employee the direction in which I wish to lead the company.
Augustus: Hey, they buy the drinks and I'll do all the explaining they want.
Red Lemur: May I welcome you to the company?
Augustus: Thanks for the job, monkey.
Red Lemur: Lemur.
Letter to Red Lemur - September, 2006
Dear Mr Lemur,
I am writing because of the trouble the monkeys and I have
had with Augustus. He smells
so bad we have had to give him a bath. We could not do it in
the Company Bathtub
because there is a Harley engine casing in it, soaking in some thinners from the
company store.
He will not have a bath. Instead he steals the Blynx things from the Company Bathroom Cabinet
and sprays himself all over. He says, "good as new" but he reeks.
I borrowed the bottle of Glengolden from the Company Medicine Cupboard and went to the
washing machine. He came at once when I called to him to come and get a drink. Then the
Frog hit him on the head with the beech mallet, which we have since returned to its
proper place, top drawer on the left, because a correctly stored tool
is a happy tool. We slung Augustus in the washing machine and
turned it on. His language was
not good. he came out a clean blue colour. We can't do it again though, which is why I am writing
to you. Last night someone dismantled the washing machine and threw
its components in the
bath of thinners. Augustus came to see.
"Thank goodness the chaincase was out of there," he said. I think he is
missing the point.
Please can we have a replacement washing machine?
Nicholas Blackmore
ps The Glengolden has vanished from the Company Medicine Cupboard
and my pay packet this month turned out to be the beech mallet, wrapped
in some old papers from a chip shop.
During the working week we usually have baked potato. At weekends and especially on
Sundays we have baked potato with herbs. On public holidays (Christmas day) we have
baked potato. At the company's annual general meeting we have baked potato. When
required to travel on company business each employee is given a small bag containing
something that if I have to type or eat much more I will turn into. I usually throw it at the
hedge as soon as the bicycle is out of the village, unless I see the company cat first.
* * * * *
OK, so the purchasing manager was drying out some shotgun cartridges in the oven (why
would the company have those? why would one dry them in an oven?) and the personnel
manager had left half a bottle of spirits in there (why would it save him the trouble of
bringing it into the office?) and the company accountant had sold the firelighters (for
reasons unknown - he is on a training course in Ibiza now) and the
frog (company
security manager) tried to light the fire with petrol from the personnel manager's Harley
(which was in the company gardens again) so now we have no oven. The middle part is
missing, or more accurately, embedded in the North Wall of the factory. We have obtained
the necessary parts to rebuild the oven.
Until it has been repaired we are dining in the un-restored, original kitchen of the building.
During the working week we usually have rice. At weekends and especially on Sundays
we have rice with turmeric. We are all really
looking forward to Christmas.
* * * * *
At the company evening barbecue the personnel manager demonstrated very
convincingly that his Harley could not clear the company oven in one magnificent leap.
Now, once again, we have no oven. A bottle of brandy from Cyprus remained unbroken
in what Augustus described as a miracle. Red Lemur states that the oven will be rebuilt.
At the same time the company is creating space in the company car park for the
Harley.
In the meantime we are all still enjoying boiled rice.
* * * * *
The oven has been repaired. A local smith has provided an iron box for it, with the
much-desired sliding door. This modern accessory means that we can confirm that the
potato is baked before carrying it into the Company Kitchen to be served. A picture will
be provided soon that will show this new feature. Do not be mis-led by the rough
external appearance of the new oven. The Company Staff were at first downcast when the
builders had finished their work. There was spontaneous applause at the first placing of
a correctly baked potato on the Company Kitchen table. And after it had been eaten
everyone enjoyed a fine game of
kick-the-rice-boiler.
----- picture here soon -----
Few people realise just how hectic life can be at Smuntz
Wood. One minute you are
snoozing on the kitchen floor, leaning against the old pine dresser and then the
next
thing you know the telephone rings with an urgent order.
The salesman,
Little Sebby, answered the phone. It was a customer! He sat bolt upright
and listened carefully.
Because of his training Little Sebby wrote down everything that the customer said.
After thanking the customer for the order, Little Sebby hung up the phone, stepped
over Dobbs The Company Employee and took his notes to the owner of Smuntz Wood,
the legendary entrepreneur Red Lemur.
Red Lemur instructed Little Sebby to wake The Company Employee at once. Work
was to start on the order straight away. Red Lemur also informed the Company
Accountants, the Van Der Groots, who started licking their lips and pushing the wine
glasses to one side.
Little Sebby woke Dobbs up.
Work started at once on the new house sign. With a firm
paw Ludwig Van Der Groot,
drew out the letters for the sign. As a Company Accountant he was well used to
writing names other than his own.
It was time to choose a piece of wood from the Company Store.
Dobbs sorted through the huge pile of exotic timber,
spiders and potato peel until he
found just the right piece.
It was a fine piece of yew. It only took a moment for Wilhelmina Van Der Groot to audit
the fact that it had been taken for use. Then it only took another moment for Dobbs to
point out that there are no trees that tall. The piece was measured once more and the
audit record was complete.
A piece, just the right size, was cut from the plank.
Wilhelmina waltzed off with the
remainder under her arm towards the Van Der Groots' tree house. For some reason
such leftover planks had to be carefully examined by the Company Accountants and
could easily face rejection from the Company Store if the night were a cold one.
Dobbs smoothed and shaped the selected piece.
Dobbs marked the letters onto the wood and cut them out using a razor sharp chisel,
and the beech mallet which had fallen off the shelf into the Personnel Manager's
leather jacket pocket.
Then Dobbs painted the letters black. It wasn't easy, what
with one mistake meaning
certain doom at the next review time, and with Red Lemur standing
over
him tapping one paw on the bench and winding his pocket watch meaningfully.
It was time to protect the sign with wood preserver and two coats of varnish. This took
three nights, during which the Van Der Groots invested in fizzy lemonade from France.
Ludwig was kind enough to explain.
"Up goes price down never I see lemonade (hic)."
The sign was now finished and ready for inspection by Red Lemur.
Red Lemur was pleased with the sign and ordered it to be
despatched at once. The
kitchen fire was banked up. All the employees drank hot tea and ate drop scones with
maple syrup.
It got dark in the kitchen and, after loading the house
sign into the Company Vehicle,
all the employees were soon asleep.
After a while Red Lemur received an email from the customer, who was pleased with
the sign. There was a photograph attached.
Only then did Red Lemur write in the Order Book that the sale had been completed.
He closed the book and went into the Company Kitchen. He made sure that the
curtains were closed against the cold night air. He washed all the dishes and
put two
more logs on the fire. Little Sebby had fallen asleep lying on the telephone,
so Red
Lemur disconnected it at the wall. He would plug it back in in the morning.
Finally, Red Lemur took one last look at the weather
before going to bed. The rain
clouds were still marching up from the South West so two logs on the fire would be
enough.
The end of the documentary.
All designs and images remain Copyright Smuntz Wood, 2006.